I received a letter the other day from a reader who had take considerable time to write up some of his own thoughts on questions that should be included in the British citizenship test. I doubt the government will be including any of these any time soon, but hats off for the effort.
During football World Cup finals how many syllables are there in the correct pronunciation of ‘England’?
- A. Two
- B. Three
- C. None – I can’t speak due to monumental pre-match alcohol intake
What does your local council do if you leave the lid of your wheelie bin open?
- A. Close it
- B. Ignore it
- C. Fine you £10,000
When standing at the bar of a pub waiting to order what is the correct way to indicate to staff that you wish to buy a drink(s)?
- A. Shout ‘over here you useless %$*&’
- B. bang a coin on the counter noisly.
- C. Pathetically wave a tenner in hope
When standing at the bar of a pub waiting to order and someone comes and stands next to you and attempts to order before you do you what us the correct response?
- A. Let them do so
- B. Admonish them saying ‘get in the queue sunshine’
- C. Headbutt them
When driving on a motorway in the outside lane at 85mph what is the correct distance to allow between you and the car in front?
- A. Six inches
- B. A bit more if it’s raining
- C. As stated in the Highway Code.
What is the preferred activity of young people on Friday nights?
- A. Attending an adult education course
- B. Bible study
- C. Getting bladdered
When Manchester United are playing at Old Trafford and the scores are level after 90 minutes what is the correct course of action for the referee?
- A. Play sufficient ‘stoppage time’ for the Reds to score
- B. Award a penalty to the home side
- C. Blow for full time
How do you smuggle enough alcohol into cricket Test matches in order to have a working chance of getting jolly and avoid paying exorbitant prices to the caterers?
- A. Bribe the gateman
- B. Disguise 100 proof spirits with orange juice and hope the gate staff pretend not to notice like last year
- C. Wear a poacher’s coat laden with tinnies
If you had been watching a film in a cinema in the Fifties what was the correct etiquette to follow as it ended?
- A. Rush out as soon The End appears on screen
- B. As the national anthem started up mutter ‘Bloody Hell’ and leave anyway
- C. Stand rigidly to attention and sing all the words lustily but slightly out of tune
What is the appropriate response when a gang of yobs sits next to you on the Tube putting their feet on the seats and playing House music loudly on their – probably stolen – cellphones?
- A. Identify the ringleader and tap his chest with your silver-topped swordstick saying ‘My good man, pray ask your friends to desist or I shall have no alternative but to call you out’
- B. Refuse to have eye contact and try to look as inconspicuous as possible
- C. Pretend you have to get off at the next stop and catch the following train
When you are in Tesco wanting to buy one or two bananas and only green ones are on display other than shrink-wrapped packs of more expensive organic ones what do you do?
- A. Shrug and take green ones reflecting that because Tesco has told you how cheap everything is you can’t expect perfection
- B. Buy some oranges
- C. Tear the wrapping off the organic ones and remove ‘organic’ tags from a couple
After reading your free newspaper on the Tube in the morning what do you do with it?
- A. Fold it up carefully in order to place it in the next recycling point you come to
- B. Try to interest your Polish-speaking neighbour in reading it
- C. Drop it on the floor with the rest of them
When you get your first local authority social housing unit what will you do with the front garden?
- A. Apply for all The Daily Telegraph ‘free bulbs’ reader offers and plant and water them assiduously
- B. Stick in a few cannabis plants
- C. Concrete it over to accommodate your pick-up truck and your three son’s motorcycles
How will you approach your 14-year-old son’s sex education?
- A. Tell the wife to sort it
- B. Tell him to watch as much Big Brother as late at night as possible
- C. Steal a copy of The Joy Of Sex from the library but read it yourself
What is ‘dogging’?
- A. Walking on Hampstead Heath with your canine pet off the lead
- B. A popular version of rapping
- C. Alfresco sexual activity with strangers, usually in car parks.
What is a tax declaration?
- A. Part of the Duckworth/Lewis method of deciding the result of rain-affected limited over cricket matches
- B. An agreement to do some plumbing work without charging VAT
- C. Something to do with Hitler invading Poland
When you take a short easyJet break on the Costa del Sol how do you approach eating out?
- A. Spend the preceding weeks mugging up enough Spanish so as to be able to order confidently ‘Para empezar, un tuna de bocorones y un racion de gambas a la plancha, despues para mi ocho chuletitas y para la senorita lenguado con patatas pobres y un botella de vino tinto y un botella agua sin gaz por favor’
- B. Take a box of Walkers cheese and onion crisps with you
- C. Head for the nearest bar offering ‘Full English Served All Day’
When asked your opinion of rail privatisation what do you say?
- A. That Richard Branson is a diamond geezer innee?
- B. Unfortunately, I was at Maidstone Grammar School with Dr Beeching – where can I buy a hara-kiri sword?
- C. Change at Crewe – or should that be change the crew?